me: haha hey guys do u dare me to eat this whole thing of ice cream
them: no
me: *shaking my head and chuckling* i cant believe you guys are making me do this
them: we're not
me: *eating right out of the thing* this is so wild you guys you're so fucked up for making me do this

goldenclitoris:

i mean im kinda dumb and loud and my hair doesnt always look great but i can make u laugh and im good at petting animals so why not date me

Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism
76,465 plays

chilled:

*throws lamp at you* you need to lighten the fuck up

blastortoise:

nice feet don’t exist every single foot is ugly

beyondtheoath:

Sometimes CAH hits too close to home.

beyondtheoath:

Sometimes CAH hits too close to home.

Me and Drakes first date
Drake: And that's when I said first of all Barack, I'm mixed, but enough about me. I wanna know about you. *boops my nose*
Me: Well, I do not like the beach because I do not like sand or crustaceans but I do personally feel very connected to the ocean. I actually feel as if I may be mixed with mermaid.
Drake: That's so interesting. You are such a well rounded individual. Please, tell me more about you.
Me: I am very afraid of the dark.
Drake: A few years back I read a passage that said something like "You're not afraid of the dark, you're afraid of what is inside of the dark." I just thought that was so beautiful.
Me: ... Are you getting smart with me?
Drake: Not at all I ju-
Me: *loudly* Please do not come for me Mr. Graham I know what the hale I'm scared of!
Drake: ... that was extremely arousing and I'd like to take you home if that's okay with you.
Me: You pickin up the tab?
Drake: *nods*
Me: *puts the basket of rolls in my bag* Get the check.